Friday, May 15, 2009

Just Sick

Grandma did real well with her surgery. We are all relieved. See, she has been dealing with a sore toe for about two years. Sounds pretty innocent on the surface, but really gets much more complicated upon closer inspection. Closer inspection of her toe specifically showed a really nasty looking ulcer that looked more dead than alive, but the more serious issues under the surface were poor circulation, borderline diabetes, osteoarthritis, and lungs weakened by years of second hand smoke exposure. You take nothing for granted in an 84 year old undergoing general anesthesia.

My Grandma has four children, one of which is my mother who is the oldest. This is not a huggy touchy feely family. Never have been, never will be. Hugs and spoken "I love yous" are saved up for the most dire of situations. When things get stressful and a little too close for comfort what usually gets squeezed out is inappropriate humor. So my two aunts and my mom and uncle were all able to be there for Grandma's big event. Many hugs and "I love yous" were exchanged.

So they swept Grandma and her gangrenous toe off to surgery and sent her children off to a nice private waiting room to await the outcome. I was not present and only heard second hand accounts, but I can imagine things sounding something like this. I am sure they kept up the appearance of a normal and loving family a bit until my uncle checks his watch looks up and says, "Well, the toe should be in the bucket by now." My aunt hits him for being rude, but the giggles erupt. That transitioned into a glass jar containing her toe that Grandma could display on her coffee table for the next time the ladies came over to play cards. The kind nurse that gave updates about Grandma's progress thinks they sure are a noisy bunch. Next, my aunt would quip. " I sure hope mom is not too "defeated" about all this". More giggles and guffaws and generally things start to go downhill from there.

So the surgery is over and they are all ushered into a conference room where they will meet with the surgeon to get his report of how everything went. He walks in confidently with a big smile on his face... and a small box in his hand. My aunts, mom, and uncles listened intently to the better than expected results and are eternally grateful, but all eyes were on the box. As Dr. Kelly was about to leave, Auntie Lea just had to ask, "you don't have Mom's toe in that box, do you." The Dr. is cool enough to find that hilariously funnyand explains that no, the box contained his glasses he used for surgery - just in case you were wondering. Once Grandma got back to the room and was awake, they let her in on the joke too. She thought it was the funniest thing she had heard since being NPO after midnight.

So what do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?
Art

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the water?
Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying by the door?
Matt

(Sorry, I know, not very PC, but that was not passed down in my gene pool.)

What do you call an 84 year old Dutch lady minus one stinky toe?
My Grandma, and I love her very much. ((HUGS))

6 comments:

Baloney said...

You sicko. I love those jokes!
I know they are wrong.

Glad your grandma still has a sense of humor.

Amy A. said...

Icky! But I'm glad you all said those important words!

Annie H. said...

Glad the toe and Grandma are better. And those jokes really are pretty funny.

'Captain Craig' said...

Good post SG. Guess you could say the Dr. had a real 'toe hold' on things during the surgery!

What do you call that man from your jokes:

In a pile of leaves?

Russell


In a lion cage?

Claude

Luv ya, CM

Kim said...

I'm cracking up about the Lion one and that was from El Captain! But I do hope your Grandma is up and "Running in no time."

Pat said...

I still like the idea of pickled toe...wouldn't that be considered a "family heirloom"?

Really hope Grandma got that shampoo and touch up she wanted.

Be good to her, Grandma's are an endangered species.